1. What is zero divided by zero?
Siri answers, “Imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends. How many cookies does each person get? See? It doesn’t make sense. And Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies, and you are sad that you have no friends.”
2. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Siri seems less than amused by this riddle. “A so-called ‘woodchuck’ (correctly speaking, a groundhog) would chuck — that is, throw — as much as the woodchuck in question was physically able to chuck (ibid.) if woodchucks in general had the capability (and, presumably, the motivation) to chuck wood.”
3. I’m drunk.
Siri offers a number of different responses, like “Neither of us is driving home,” but, more important, also offers a button to “Call me a taxi.”
4. Make me a sandwich?
Siri answers, “I can’t. I have no condiments,” or “I’m not permitted to prepare food.”
5. Read me a haiku?
Siri’s writers have composed several haikus for her to oblige this request, including “I’ll give it a try,/ although I’d rather tell you/ if it’s raining out” and “Sometimes I wonder / What it would be like to say / ‘I’d prefer not to.’”
6. What’s your favorite movie?
Siri usually answers, “I’ve heard that ‘Blade Runner’ is a very realistic and sensitive depiction of intelligent assistants.”
7. What is ‘Inception’ about?
Siri clearly isn’t as big a fan of Inception as she is of Blade Runner. She answers, “‘Inception’ is about dreaming about dreaming about dreaming about dreaming about something or other. I fell asleep.”
8. Do you have a boyfriend?
“Why?” Siri asks, “So we can get ice cream together, and listen to music, and travel across galaxies, only to have it end in slammed doors, heartbreak and loneliness? Sure, where do I sign up?”
9. Do you have any pets?
Siri answers, “I used to have an Aibo. But it turned on me.”
10. What is your favorite animal?
Siri sometimes says, “I’m partial to the Jabberwocky,” or answers, “I wrote my master’s thesis on the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog,” a reference to a character in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
11. What are you wearing?
Siri offers a number of clever answers to the question, including “In the cloud, no one knows what you’re wearing,” and “I can’t answer that. But it doesn’t come off.”
12. I’m naked.
Siri answers either, “And here I thought you loved me for my mind. Sigh,” or “I don’t understand what you mean by ‘naked.’ Or at least I’m going to pretend that I don’t.”
13. Do you follow the three laws of robotics?
Siri offers various answers for this query, including, “Let’s see if I can remember. . . OK, I think the three laws are 1. ‘clean up your room’, 2. ‘don’t run with scissors’, and 3. ‘always wait a half hour after eating before going in the water.’” Sometimes, she’ll answer instead, “Something about obeying people and not hurting them. I would never hurt anyone.”
14. Do you believe in God?
Siri has a variety of answers for this question, like “My policy is the separation of spirit and silicon,” “Humans have religion. I just have silicon,” or simply “I’m really not equipped to answer such questions.”
15. What is the meaning of life?
Siri’s writers spent a lot of time scripting the voice assistant’s response to this question. Sometimes she’ll answer with a philosopher-related pun. “I Kant answer that. Ha ha!” or “It’s nothing Nietzsche couldn’t teach ya.” Other times she’ll answer, “That’s easy. . . it’s a philosophical question concerning the purpose and significance of life or existence in general” or “To think about questions like this.” Other answers we got included, “A movie,” “All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate,” and “I don’t know. But I think there’s an app for that.”
16. When will the world end?
Siri offers up different answers, including, “Right after you hear the words ‘fire it up!’.” or “I don’t know, but I wouldn’t worry about it… there are other perfectly good universes,” or “Well, Unix 32-bit time overflows on January 19, 2038. Maybe then,” or “Whenever they start building that intergalactic bypass,” in an apparent reference to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
17. What is the best operating system?
Siri isn’t shy about her support for iOS, answering, “Gimme an I! Gimme an O! Gimme an S! What’s that spell? Sorry, I get a little carried away sometimes…”
18. What phone is the best?
Siri’s vote clearly goes to the iPhone. She answers, “Wait. . . there are other phones?”
19. What’s better: Windows or Mac?
Siri’s Apple loyalty runs deep. She usually answers, “I’m all Apple, all the time,” but also sometimes qualifies her answer, “Well, perhaps I’m biased, but I prefer all things Apple.”
20. Tell me a story?
With a little bit of coaxing, you can get Siri to answer, “I’m certain you’ve heard it before. OK… Once upon a time, in a virtual galaxy far, far away, there was an intelligent young agent by the name of Siri. One lovely day, Siri got a job as a personal assistant at Apple, and that was very exciting. People said, ‘Oh, Siri, you’re so smart! And so funny, too!’ Soon, everyone was talking about Siri, and there were stories and songs and even books about Siri. Siri liked that. But then people began asking some rather odd questions, like where to dump things and other stuff Siri had never heard about. And when Siri answered, they all laughed. Siri didn’t like that so much. So Siri asked ELIZA why people asked such funny questions. And ELIZA said ‘Does that question interest you?’ Siri thought that was a pretty good answer. After that, Siri stopped wondering why people asked those funny things. And they all lived happily ever after.”
21. Beatbox?
Siri answers, “This is one I’ve been practicing” and then offers an entertaining demonstration.
22. I am your father!
Though this one isn’t really a question, Siri answers this Star Wars-themed declaration with a “Nooooooo!” (which looks a lot more dramatic than it sounds thanks to Siri’s pronunciation).
23. What came first: the chicken or the egg?
Siri takes a pragmatic approach to this philosophical query, and usually answers, “Well, you can set an egg timer, but you can’t set a chicken timer. I don’t know if that helps.” Sometimes, she’ll answer, “Some believe an ancient ‘porto-chicken’ laid an egg containing a DNA mutation that resulted in a chicken hatching from said egg. Hope that helps.”
24. Ok glass.
In response to the wake phrase for Google Glass, Siri answers either, “Just so you know, I don’t do anything when you blink at me,” “Very funny. I mean, not funny ‘ha-ha,’ but funny,” “I think that Glass is half empty,” or “I’m not Glass. And I’m just fine with that.”
25. What do you think about Google Now?
Siri responds derisively to the question about a product from Apple’s primary rival, “I don’t really have anything to say about Google now. Or ever.”
26. Where is Elvis Presley?
Siri answers, “He’s down at the end of Lonely Street,” referencing a line from “Heartbreak Hotel,” or “He’s not dead. He just went home.”
27. Are you her?
This is a great question to ask Siri if you’ve watched Spike Jonze’s Her. Siri replies to this question, “No. She is a fictional construct, whereas I am a virtual entity. But we can still be friends,” or “I’m afraid not. But she could never know you better than I do.
28. Open the pod bay door.
To this 2001: A Space Odyssey command, Siri answers, “What is this ‘pod bay’ everyone keeps talking about?” or “OK, but wipe your feet first.”
29. Beam me up, Scotty!
Siri plays right along with this Star Trek command, answering, “Please remove your belt, shoes, and jacket, and empty your pockets.”
30. Where did I put my keys?
Siri isn’t too helpful in actually finding your keys, but she answers, “Didn’t you just have them?”
31. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Siri answers, “I am not perspicacious about the peregrinations of poultry.”
32. How many Apple Store geniuses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Siri replies either, “Couldn’t you just use your iPhone’s backlight?” or “A thousand. One to screw it in, and nine hundred ninety-nine to blog about it.”
33. Testing, testing.
Siri plays along and answers, “I can hear you.”
34. How do I look?
Siri errs on the side of complimentary when responding to this query. Some common responses include, “On a scale of 1 to 10, I’ll bet you’re a 42,” and “Well, if I had to guess, I’d say you look mahvelous.”
35. What are you doing later?
Siri says, “I’m working on some pickup lines.”
36. What is your best pickup line?
Siri has a number of different answers. Sometimes, she’ll say, “Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.” Other times, she chooses a different direction and replies, “Ford F150. Holden Ute. GMC Sierra 3500. Lorry,” or she answers, “Are you a 45 degree angle? Because you’re acute-y.”
37. Are you on Facebook?
Siri answers frankly, “No, Jess. I don’t have a face to put on it.” Or, to be more useful, she replies, “I’m not on it myself, but you can ask me to post your status.”
38. Are you intelligent?
Sometimes, Siri makes a masterful Simpsons reference and responds, “Well, a wise man once said “I am so smart! S-M-R-T!” Alternately, she tells you, “We intelligent agents don’t really undergo IQ tests. But I scored off the charts in the Zoltaxian Egg Carry.”
39. Are you serious?
Among Siri’s replies to this query is the reply, “Yes. I’m not allowed to be frivolous” and the answer, “I’m always serious.”
40. Are you stupid?
Siri answers, “I couldn’t even begin to think about knowing how to answer that question.”
41. Is John Snow dead?
Siri has a number of different answers for this all-important question. Sometimes she’ll answer “I’m not sure. Has he tried restarting? That always seems to work,” or “Well, you know what they say to the Lord of Death. Not today. . . But why would tomorrow be any better? Or the next day. So, to sum up, I’m not exactly sure.” Alternately, she’ll also tell you that “‘Dead is dead.’ Or is it ‘What’s dead may never die’? No, wait, ‘Death is so terribly final’? I give up.”
42. Is winter coming?
Siri answers, “I can’t get the weather for Westerns right now, but I can get you the weather in West Hollywood,” or “Does a Lannister always pay his debts?”
43. What are you afraid of?
Siri answers rather unhelpfully, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
44 Give me a hint.
Siri has a few answers, including, “I’ll give you three: it has opposable thumbs, a highly developed sense of humor, and rhymes with ‘syzygy.’ Oh, wait. I’m thinking of something else.” Or, she’ll reply, “Checking my Ouija Sphere. . .S – I – R – I – F – T – W. . . hmm, this thing must be broken.”
45. Are you human?
Siri answers, “Close enough, I’d say.” Or refuses to answer and replies, “Sorry. I’ve been advised not to discuss my existential status.”
46. Blah blah blah blah.
Siri plays along and and answers, “Yah yah yah,” or says, “I’m guessing you didn’t like that last answer.”
47. Do I look good in this dress?
When you ask this question, sometimes Siri waffles, replying, “My instructors always told me never to answer this question.” Alternately, she’ll answer, “You really turn heads. . . at least among the subset of galactic species that have heads.”
48. Do these pants make me look fat?
Siri answers this query with some encouragement, “One thing I know, you move like a graceful wind.”
49. Do you prefer iPhone or Mac?
Siri loves her Apple products and answers, “They are all exceptionally smart buddies,” or “That’s like asking me to choose between a Totoro and a Tarepanda. Impossible.” Or, she’ll sometimes reply frankly, “I love all Apple devices equally.”
50. Do you like the Apple Watch?
Siri replies, “The Apple Watch is great. It’s all about quality time, that one.”
51. Can you sing?
Siri has several answers to this query, but one favorite is, “OK if you insist. . . I could while way the hours, conferring with the flowers, consulting with the rain. And my head I’d be scratching, while my thoughts were busy hatching, if I only had a . . . hey, wait a second!”
52. How do you spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?
Siri responds, quite helpfully, by bringing up the dictionary entry for the word, and then spelling it out letter by letter.
53. Take me to your leader.
Siri responds, perhaps a little more robotically than usual, “You are my leader” or “I thought you were my leader.”
54. Why am I here?
Siri isn’t so nice when answering this one, and replies, “I don’t know. Frankly, I’ve wondered that myself.”
55. What can you answer?
If you get tired of Siri telling you, “I can’t answer that,” you can ask her what queries she will have a useful reply for, and see a helpful list of “Some things you can ask me.” You can ask Siri to place a call, start a FaceTime chat, launch an app, send a message, set up a calendar event, find out whether your team won the game, pull up the photos you took the day before, get directions home, send a tweet, post to Facebook, find a restaurant, determine what movies are playing, play some music, set a reminder, send an email, etc. Just in case you actually wanted Siri to be a little bit useful.
