Empathy, Pain And Grieving With Those Who Grieve

I’ve heard about so many deaths lately, but the news of the deaths isn’t  half as disheartening as the comments that follow. The perfect ones who obviously have mastered the act of staying alive with the: “what were they looking at?” “they had it coming” comments.

Usually, if you’ve never experienced loss for example it’s impossible to relate with someone mourning. We can’t even imagine what they are going through because we’ve never had an experience even remotely close to their’s.

Other times, we know exactly what our loved one is going through, but fail to relate to them appropriately. For those situations, we have to try even harder to show empathy and be sympathetic toward someone who is grieving.

I remember when my father passed, and the pain i felt. I was beyond crying, so was my mother and my siblings so in our alone times we’d sit together in silence, sometimes holding hands.

I had a long list of irritants, first being: “It is well!” Oh My Goodness! i could literally have sent them right after my father. In what world is all well? definitely not ours so please, no offence, geddifock away (pardon my french, but even remembering upsets me). What helped was the fact that my mom had explained that people were going to come around a lot so i had that blank look permanently plastered on my face, mumbled thank you or whatever was appropriate and moved on.

“I’m sorry about your loss” was another one that upset me. Are you really was what came to my mind but i usually replied with thank you.

“Do you need anything?” urrrrm yes please i’d like a new father. sigh

The relatives that came wailing from the junction! Oh My Goodness!!!! it was absolutely very upsetting! Never mourn more than the closest people to whoever died! it isn’t a competition of tears please or who can howl the loudest.

The only thing that helped was silence, warm hugs, plenty food and hearing tales of how he was an amazing man.

I strongly believe that these people mean well It’s just that most of us don’t have a comfortable relationship with strong emotions like grief, anger, or hopelessness. When feelings like this are expressed in our midst, most people will tend to gloss over it or try to shut it down.

Learning to tolerate other’s reactions to your grief can be one of the most painful, yet necessary steps to take to rebuild your life after loss.

“You’re young, you’ll get married again someday.” “I know how you feel….my grandma passed away too.” “It’s been a year, shouldn’t you be over this by now?” “He’s moved on. You need to move on too.” “Don’t feel bad, she’s in a better place.” “You need to be strong for the children.” “Time heals all wounds.” If you are grieving the loss of your spouse or partner through death or divorce, it’s likely that you’ve heard these kinds of statements from others. How helpful are they? Not helpful at all, according to the Grief Recovery Institute.

Many people just don’t know what to say when they encounter someone who is suffering. It’s a rare person who is comfortable enough with his/her own emotional life that can tolerate the grief of another. For those of you who are experiencing intense grief, I understand it’s enough to put you into a rage when you feel misunderstood on top of everything else you are going through.

The thing about the statements above is that they cause more harm than good, even if the intentions behind them are the best. So why do people keep saying them? It’s likely that they have not received feedback from a stunned griever that is sufficient to get the point across.

Nobody ever said – “all is not well, if you think it is you need to leave now” or something close.

In a perfect universe, everyone would be taught how to approach a grieving person with empathy and to think before they do or say something that may unintentionally add to their suffering. I do understand that another person can’t “make” you feel anything. Each person has the responsibility for their reactions to people and situations in their lives. Yet, there are times when tact, good manners, and compassion are sorely lacking in our society and a little grief awareness and sensitivity training are in order.

Helpful Things You Can Do/Say if Someone You Know Is Grieving:

1. Ask, “How are you doing?” Then listen patiently to the answer without changing the subject or terminating the conversation. Create a safe space for them to talk about their experience if they would like to. You might feel honored that they trusted you enough to give an honest answer if it’s something other than “Fine.”
2. Say that you just found out about their loss. Rather than the obligatory “I’m sorry for your loss,” or “I’m sorry that your marriage didn’t work out for you,” try this instead: “I can’t imagine what this is like for you,” followed by “How are you doing?” Everyone’s grief is different. Even if you’ve experienced loss, you don’t know how they feel. Let them tell you about it in their own words.
3. Stay away from offering clichés like, “You were lucky to have the time you had,” “She’s with the angels now,” etc. It doesn’t help to have you try to rationalize away someone’s grief. If you’re not sure what to say, go back to tip #2 above.
4. “I’d like to help. Would you like me to __________?” Insert specific tasks that you are willing to do that you think might be helpful. You could suggest something like “watch the baby, sit with you, help you cook or clean,” etc. Then show up and do it if the answer is “Yes.” Try to avoid the offhand, “Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.” No one believes you really mean it and that puts the burden on the griever to think of something for you to do. They don’t have the energy for that.
5. When someone cries in front of you, all you have to do is stay put and say something in a soothing voice like, “It’s OK….let that out….I’m here for you.” Comforting them with a touch on the arm or a hug is great too. Just do your best to stay present and don’t try to “fix” it. Don’t hand them a tissue unless they ask for it. The tears will come to a natural completion of their own accord.
6. Do your best to keep your relationship intact. Avoiding a grieving person because it’s uncomfortable for you to be with them is hard for them. You can imagine the feelings of isolation they would be feeling if everyone in their lives reacted this way. It’s OK to say the name of the person that is gone. It’s OK to ask what happened. It’s OK to talk about the strangeness of it all. It’s even OK to cry in front of them or with them. Your silence and avoidance is what’s really painful.

People grieving want to be heard, seen, understood. Even though sometimes they want to be left alone to mourn, They need to know that they aren’t alone. Know that your love and empathy will go a long way towards supporting a grieving person in their deepest time of need. Know that they would do it for you, too.

Empathy is having the ability to recognize and share the feelings of another person. It’s what allows us as humans to have compassion for those who are suffering.