Can You Actually Forgive And Forget?

Forgiveness is one of the topics I’ve always had inner battles about, and i reckon we’ve all been at that point.  Often times I get so confused in that I’m pretty sure I’ve forgiven an act, but somehow there’s that nagging little voice in my head screaming “revenge is sweet when served cold”; a phrase i learned from the most unforgiving person i ever met.

For me, the phrase “forgive and forget” is a phrase that people throw around when they want guilt-trip you into forgiving them and it’s more sentimental than actual helpful life advice. I believe it serves to smooth things over more than to heal or  amend wrongdoing.

We’ve all been offended in life, absolutely true but the thought of forgetting about wrongs I’ve faced seems almost impossible to me. How could “forgetting” help? And how is it even possible?

If we forget about past wounds, how are we to avoid the same situations again? Another common phrase, “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me” comes to mind.

And for someone like me, i never forget the feelings the actions evoked. So, it’s more about the pain i felt, than the actual action (which of course i NEVER forget).

If we’re being honest, we’ll find that most of us actually do not forget. We remember the hurts we’ve experienced, and we revise our behavior to avoid them.

Even if we don’t consciously pay attention to the wounds or “offenders”, our body has been sensitised by the offenders and their actions , and it affects our interactions with them, other people and generally our outlook on life.

I’m going to chip in a personal example (one of one thousand) : A very good friend had betrayed my trust, and to me, she did it out of spite and envy. I’m normally not a confrontational person so i couldn’t call her out on it, instead i just cut off from her in my head and assumed i’d let it go. This is how i almost always handle these kinds of situations, i cutoff and walk away, even if it takes years to.

I stopped picking her calls, replied her messages days after and never showed up to any of our hangouts after that. Eventually, the issue came up and she made it seem like i was making a mountain out of a mole-hill and i should “let it go because it wasn’t a big deal”.Did she apologise? yes. but what her apology did was push me away even further because i couldn’t understand how she didn’t think i had the right to be so upset. Like how do you piss me off and then try to dictate how long i get to be upset?

Now in my head, cutting off the friendship meant i’d let it go and forgiven her but the one time i ran into her, seeing her smile made me so livid i wanted to slap her so hard till her wig fell off but i hugged her instead and we chatted for a bit.

Till now, i can’t figure out if I’ve truly forgiven her or not and the worst part, she’s not even aware there’s a problem!

Can One Forget?

In my opinion, it’s impossible to truly forget a wrong that has been committed against you.  It happened to you, and you experienced how hurtful it was. That is something that is impossible to erase from your memory.  You are allowed to acknowledge the hurt that you’ve suffered and it is often beneficial for someone to say, ‘Yes, I’ve been wronged by someone.’”

The thing is, if someone tries to forgive and forget, it’s possible they haven’t really forgiven, because by the quick act of “forgetting,” they haven’t fully processed the wrong they’ve been done. And acknowledging the wrong is essential to real forgiveness.

I stumbled on some works of researchers on forgiveness, Drs. Robert Enright and Richard Fitzgibbons. They describe forgiveness as “people, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right), and endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on the moral principle of beneficence which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity, and moral love (to which the wrongdoer, by nature of the hurtful act or acts, has no right).”

Enright and Fitzgibbons describe the process of forgiveness as a four-stage process of uncovering the hurt; understanding what forgiveness is and isn’t and deciding to forgive; working to change the way they view the offender, themselves, and their relationship with the offender; and finally, finding meaning in suffering, connecting with others, and feeling a renewed purpose in life.

Sometimes, when i get flashes of emotions from a situation i was in, the feelings are so intense i wonder if i actually forgave them in the first place. Those times, i can’t honestly say i wouldn’t stab them in the eye if i had the chance but i NEVER dwell on hurt, or negative emotions neither do i go about plotting revenge schemes.

Moving On Takes Time.

Moving on is a super difficult and very emotional process. Choosing to let go is a much more freeing experience than forgetting. True forgiveness doesn’t erase the wrongdoing but rather frees the person who was hurt.

You really don’t want to be carrying that baggage about. Especially if the “offender” is thriving, you can get so engrossed in watching their every move waiting for them to fail or trying to figure out when to “strike” that you actually forget to live your own life.

But to forget is another ball game entirely that has nothing to do with real forgiveness. Forgetting actually impedes it.

Pretending the wrongdoing never happened doesn’t make the effects of it go away. While it might be easier in the moment to ignore the wrongdoing and act as if nothing has happened, the emotional effects of the wrongdoing are still there. Once the person who was wronged is ready to acknowledge the hurt, the healing process of forgiveness can begin.

For example; how do you  tell a victim of abuse to “forgive and forget?” what that is saying to them is that the ways their lives have been negatively impacted by that abuse doesn’t matter. And they can forget the horror they’ve been put through And nothing could be further from the truth. Their lives have been incredibly impacted by what they experienced and it’s not likely that they ever forget. Infact more often than not, it changes the course of their lives.

Forgetting Can Cost You

In Africa, there are a thousand and one proverbs that talk about forgiveness; most of which tell you that it is wise to forgive, but unreasonable to not learn and never forget so you never go through the same thing. Remember “once bitten twice shy” ?

My personal favourite: “When a child trips, he quickly gets up and continues on his way without looking back at what caused him to trip but when an adult trips, he looks back and carefully analyses why before moving on so he doesn’t trip again”.

I love this one because it’s very deep, and it really explains everything. Children are innocent, and it reflects in everything that they do. They barely know anything so in their impressionable state, its easy to convince then that something “isn’t so bad” and they can ” let it go” but as an adult, you know more.

You’ve been through more and your life has been shaped by the experiences you’ve had over time so won’t it be unwise to say forget so the same fires keep burning you over and over.

I look back at some of the experiences i had growing up and i smile knowing i only let it go because i was a child. Did i even let it go? i still remember but i’m not as sore over it because at that point i didn’t think it was that bad but now, i surely will never find myself at those points again.

Forgiveness Is Possible, Forgetting Is Far-Fetched.

Even when one has been harmed by a person who is unable to admit the truth, that person can still admit the truth to themselves about the the wrong they’ve been dealt—a necessary step to move forward.

Forgiveness is beneficial only after there has been some kind of accountability and truthfulness. The problem is without accountability, there are conditions for bad things to happen again.

Instead of leading to healing, it leaves the person with all the costs of being harmed, and could let the perpetrator harm again. Without the ability to see the reality and take protective action, the person risks being victimized in the same way again.

A sincere apology is extremely healing. In our society people are afraid to apologize even if they want to because they think it could somehow be used against them but what I have observed is sincere apologies are extremely healing to both the person who apologizes and the person apologized to. Especially if they consciously make efforts to make up for it. So, while we can’t rush the healing process of forgiveness for ourselves or others, we can help others by not encouraging them to brush our wrongdoings under the rug but instead offering sincere apologies. We also can benefit from forgiving ourselves if we’ve unfairly blamed ourselves for being wronged by others.

But most of all, don’t aspire to forgive and forget. Because, as it turns out, forgetting how one’s been betrayed not only doesn’t lead to true forgiveness, but it also puts you at the risk of getting burnt again by the exact same fires!