MIRROR THOUGHTS: Quit Making Excuses For Mediocre Fathers
“I apologize on behalf of my gender” is a phrase I’ve heard a lot, from men and fathers who may find the heights of the male gender’s depravity repugnant, but whose stock would fall if the average guy was just a little bit better behaved. This often happens because the average man get graded on a generous curve.
Nowhere is this more evident than in the way we assume that the average father is a mediocre parent.
Mothers who go out to socialize without their children in tow often get asked who is watching the kids, a question rarely asked of fathers. Dad watching his own children is described as “babysitting,” as though he’s earning a little pocket money. When moms do it, it’s just “parenting.” Men sometimes describe cleaning their own houses as “helping out,” as though the home is by default their wives’ responsibility, even if their wife works just as many hours outside the home as they do.
Read Also: MIRROR THOUGHTS: Social Media And Its Impact On Widespread Behavioural Patterns
But, compared to the worst men on the planet, these adequate male roommates are not doing too bad! The dad who considers caring for his own children “babysitting”– hey, at least he didn’t abandon his family! At least he’s not out “with the boys” every weekend! The man who considers washing his own dishes to be a form of helping his wife– hey, at least he’s not just leaving the dirty ones in the sink! At least he’s not hitting her!
Societal Assumptions
It is just assumed that the home and children are the woman’s responsibility, and that when men do it, they’re going above and beyond what they should ever be expected to do. In some families, that’s the case, sure, but it’s silly to assume it’s the case in most families. Accolades aren’t extended to women when they deviate from traditional roles, like, say, earning money from a job. “Your wife is so lucky to be married to such a hands-on dad.” Imagine telling a female coworker with children that it’s “your husband is so lucky to have a wife who takes such good care of her career.” You’d literally be used in an anti-sexism-in-the-workplace training video.
A quick, depressing stroll through Instagram or TikTok shows that there are a lot of people who think it’s funny when fathers act like giant unreliable babies and their wives shrug their shoulders and say “Whaddayagonnado?” while laughing good-naturedly. There’s the trope that when a mom leaves her children at home with their father, she will return to find her house– the one that she normally keeps in order by herself, while caring for the kids– has descended into chaos, the children running around unbathed and feral while the dad watches sports or plays video games. There’s the trope that dads don’t know what their children eat for meals, don’t know the names of their kids’ teachers or pediatricians, don’t know how to properly dress their children or can’t change diapers, even though the mom and dad became parents at the exact same time and have thus had the exact same amount of time to learn how to do all this stuff.
Hey, at least dad is trying!
I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news to the semi-mediocre fathers out there, but the gig is up. The standard for dads is no longer “sufficient but disappointing.” Women talk to each other, and they know you’re capable of more, because many of them are married to men who are, in fact, doing more.
Turns out, there are plenty of dads out there who are engaged fathers, competent caregivers, and active participants in the upkeep of their homes. Fathers who do not need to be coddled and have excuses made for them. Some dads actually seem to enjoy spending time with and caring for their children. The “women are natural caregivers and men are natural providers” line of bullshit doesn’t fly. There are too many counterexamples for it to hold as a valid generalization.
