MIRROR THOUGHTS: Children And Parent-teacher Frustrations At Being Strong-Willed

Simply put, children don’t do everything we ask them to do when we ask them to do it.

As adults, we often assume this is because they are not understanding what we said so we try communicating the same expectation again by repeating ourselves, sometimes in a louder and more frustrated voice.

If that doesn’t work, our own frustration grows, inhibiting us from remaining emotionally regulated and problem-solve what to do next.

We are never our best selves when stressed. Yet, the way we respond in the moment a child doesn’t do what we have asked them to do can do one of two things: either it creates a safe connection for the child to trust us as we align with them to solve the problem or we trigger a defense response in the child if we inadvertently disregard their need for more support.

Let us consider a school environment — in order to complete a task that a teacher has asked a student to complete, the student must not only understand what is expected of them, but also needs to feel emotionally safe to begin a task they are unsure about (Remember: Learning is a vulnerable experience) PLUS they must have the skills to do the thing being asked of them.

When students don’t respond in an expected way, sometimes, teachers or school administrators say things like…

“He is choosing to put his head down and not get started.”

“She is choosing to argue with me instead of getting to work.”

“He is choosing to engage in unsafe behaviors.”

Let’s start by debunking the myth that reacting with verbal and physical aggression is a choice.

Once children (and adults) are yelling, physically destroying things or are hurting others, they are most likely in a stress response trying to protect themselves from something they perceive as emotionally traumatic or too much for them.

In other words, if a child is saying or doing things they would not do when they are calm, this is most likely a stress response.

Read Also: MIRROR THOUGHTS: Respect Is Earned — How To Ensure It Is Given

Stress responses are not a choice. That would be like saying that I chose to run from the grizzly bear I saw in the woods or that I chose to grab my child’s arm when they stepped into the street in front of an oncoming truck.

Choosing these responses would imply that I had the time to consider an alternative option and decided that this action was best.

When we react to perceived danger, there is no time for a choice. Our brain immediately responds in the best way it knows how to feel safe.

Now, of course a child cannot be harmed by a math worksheet in the same way they would by oncoming traffic, but it’s their perception of difficulty that is the “danger” here.

If the task is too overwhelming due to high expectations and lack of skills, you may get a “non-compliant” response of freezing with a student’s head down on their desk. This is what the child knows how to do under these circumstances.

Sometimes I feel that when we say that a child is making a choice, we are insinuating that they have the ability to independently make a different choice. This is often not true. As Dr. Ross Greene says, “Kids do well when they can” so if they can do better, they will do better.

So, if they are making the choice to sit on the ground with their head in their hands when they were asked to line up and go inside from recess, the question we need to be asking ourselves is “Why?” What is upsetting them? What is overwhelming them? What is too much for them?

When a child is not doing what is asked of them, it’s time to get curious and start problem-solving.

In some cases this is due to a sensitive nervous system and sometimes it’s due to previous school experiences. Many times it’s due to both.

Remember, getting started on a task requires feeling safe in the environment, feeling connected to the person asking you to do the thing, plus the skills AND motivation to carry out the task.

If one of these things is missing, a student’s ability to begin the task will likely crumble.

When we feel safe and connected to either our people or our interests, we are able to learn. When we perceive a threat, some of us go into fight or flight and some go into freeze. This is a naturally-occurring, automatic response our brain has to defend us from danger.

Therefore, it’s important to believe a child when they communicate overwhelm, even if it doesn’t quite make sense to us.

When a child “chooses” non-compliance, there is always a reason; we just might not be able to see the reason. Some reasons are fatigue, hunger, constipation, and other overwhelm the child may not even be able communicate.

As their trusted adults, we must work to identify patterns and to help children feel safe and supported.

So, let’s get curious and figure out the following: Is the expectation too high? What skill is missing? How can I connect with this student to help them feel safe in this moment of learning? In other words, we can teach the child a safe, more productive way to respond when met with a challenge.

Imagine instead saying,

“He’s not getting started on his own. I wonder what feels overwhelming to him about this assignment?”

“She is getting upset and asking lots of questions about this assignment. I wonder what and how I could clarify this for her?”

“He is running and hiding under a table every time he’s asked to write. I wonder if he needs support with coming up with ideas, organizing his thoughts, fine motor skills, or all of the above?”

Problem-solving in these moments will take energy and practice from the adult in the room, but it will be worth it.

We have to keep showing up for our kids so they will learn to keep showing up for themselves when making mistakes during the learning process.